My Identity, my Safe Space

Image may contain: Wiweek Susling Magar, smiling

Bibek Magar

That is the moment, I was watching YouTube on my laptop parallel to Facebook as usual. Suddenly, my mother called on phone. I was very frightened because my aunt had already asked me about my sexuality. Since my mum and aunt are very close to each other, I thought my aunt must have shared my sexuality with her. I received my mum’s call and she directly mentioned about homosexuality. At first, I was real nervous thinking how she would react and act with me. I must say I was feeling headstrong as I was to share my biggest fear but the truest part of my life. I had also already read about the successful history of many people alike, so I was pretty sure I could make my mum understand about homosexuality and LGBTI and to accept the person that I am. I and my mum have been close ever since and we do share an emotional bond with each other especially after the death of my father. Just at the age of 23, my mum lost her husband and took into the responsibilities of raising me when she was to focus on her studies and career.

My mom is now in abroad. Social media network has been a very easy option to connect with her. But the moment she called me on phone and asked me about homosexuality was a frightening moment for me even though I had set my mind to tell her the truth because she deserved nothing less than the truth. I started explaining about the time when I had won the social choice in Mr. and Ms. Rainbow pageant and about me. She was literally in shock at first and broke into tears. And who wouldn’t, right?  I tried to console her. She was more afraid of what the society would think. She continued explaining that homosexuality might rather be an influence and that I should start taking medications for it. I elucidated more to her about my sexuality and my identity.

Two day talk with mum and she wouldn’t listen to me. Some people even told her that I was just doing this for money and work. That, my friend, was a very wrong concern instilled to my mum’s mind.  She further asked me where I was working, asked me to leave the job saying she would hand in money if I needed them. I was so in dilemma what to do at that moment but I told her; yes, I am a homosexual mum and yes I am attracted to a male counterpart and yes, I finally told her my biggest fear of my life and felt liberated. I told her I am aware of the societal norms and ideals but I have to live freely and my identity is what matters the most. She started crying again and I had never heard that well of a cry from the bottom of her heart. Seriously, I felt very weak. My precious person. My mother. At that moment, I actually wanted to lie to her saying it was nothing more but a hoax and yet I knew in my heart, this was for the best. With all these rampant thoughts running in my head, I never realized I had started crying too and my mom paused for she had never heard me cry before too.

To be continued…

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